I have not written in quite some time, but a lot has happened in that time. I have been hurt mentally and physically. I left the comfort of a school I thought I belonged at to go back to a home that I missed more than anything. There were several reasons into me retuning to Georgia and the biggest one was my strain on my relationship with The Lord. I dove back into church, got close with old friends, and have been working just about every single day. About a month ago I got into a skiing accident that I thought broke my leg and ruined my knee and I am telling you guys that God acted in the most miraculous way in the hospital that night, as per usual and I walked away in just a full leg brace and crutches for a few weeks.
Let me tell you though, these past few months I have not been the best version of myself. I was hurt from a car accident in November and a ski accident. I also was hurting from personal things that really effected me back in January. Because of these things I became bitter. I was angry at God and angry at myself. I grew quiet for sometime and shut people out, because I was physically and emotionally hurting. My friends would ask me to go ice skating, bowling, go to the gym. I could not do any of these things, because of my back and my leg and I was frustrated. I saw how great everything was going for everyone, except me. However, just about a week ago I realized something. I realized that at the beginning of this year, I was praying for a word that I wanted God to give me to work on this year. The word that was beating over my head was the word change. I honestly did not know what this was supposed to mean and I really still am not one hundred percent sure. I have seen myself wanting some kind of change in my life and I did not know what it is. I am terrified of the unknown and I have been since I was a little girl. I lost my brother and ever since then I felt like every day was a huge mystery to me. What in the world is my purpose? What in the world does God want me to do?
Our future is unwritten. All I know is God wants me serving him. My whole life I have been asking myself, "what is next?" But why should I do that when I know that the most perfect God has handwritten my future for me. He knows me from my first breath to my last. He knows me from my first love to my last. He knows me from every scar on my body and every hair on my head. So, why am I so afraid of what is to come? He chases after me so hard and he will do anything and everything to ensure in my mind that whatever may come my way he will protect me.
So what have I done to protect my bitter heart? The Lord, church, my friends, my family. No matter what God may throw my way, my heart is protected from the unknown and I am forever thankful for that blessing. I cannot wait to see what God wants for my future. I am done being afraid.
