I never thought in a million years I would tell my story on here. I am still not telling mine, but I am telling my older brother's. For those of you who did not know, today marks 9 years since an accident that took my brother's life, a part of my heart, and 1/5 of our family away. Tomorrow will be 9 years since he joined the Lord. I never thought I could talk about it on here, or anywhere for that matter. People ask me what happened to him all the time and I find myself at a loss of words and I just say something that made sense at the time and tried to shove the conversation in a different direction. My brother and I had a relationship that was hard to explain. We loved each other, but we were never close. We never shared the connection he had to my mom, my dad, or my younger brother. We fought more than most and most of our fights ended in groundings, bruises, cuts.
He had ADHD, a disorder that is often overlooked, but becomes noticeable typically at a young age. His was severe and doctors said he was "off the charts". When the accident happened it was the week of VBS at our church and he was volunteering and it was my last year being a student. The only reason I was going was because he would be there to make me go even though I had no desire to be there. This is an important part to the story.
Tomorrow is 9 years since I lost him. This week is VBS at my church. I am a volunteer. I do not think people realize that when he passed away he left this footprint on my heart that only he understood. The footprint of regret, shame, hurt, depression. This footprint only makes itself known once a year, June 12th, and it stays for the day.
I try to remember small details about his passing, but that part of my mind shut down a while ago and it blocks out any memory of the first few weeks without him here. One day he was here and the next he was gone. It was just like the blink of an eye and the pain hurt so bad. I didn't sleep in my room for what felt like months on end. I put an air mattress in my parents bed room and slept in there and hoped I wouldn't wake up in the middle of the night with nightmares from that day. People kept telling me after the funeral, "I can't even imagine what you're going through" or "I am so sorry for your loss." And let me tell you the anger stage in the 5 stages of grief is so real. For the longest time I was so angry at God for taking my brother away from me. I was so angry that I felt abandoned and alone and hurt all in one emotion. I missed my brother so much I felt sick to my stomach, so how could God do this to me?
Well my friends, he did this because he knew what was best. He knew my brother's time on earth was up and Heaven was his next stop. He did this because HIS ways are higher than ours and despite how "unfair" this all was to me, his purpose for my brother's life was fulfilled. I remember about two weeks after his passing I had a dream about him. I saw him in my kitchen and he was just a dark figure, he hugged me, and even though he was dark for some reason I knew he was smiling at me.
It gives me peace to know he is now in heaven. It gives me peace to know that I will be with him again someday. It gives me peace to know that I now have a stronger relationship with my younger brother now than I ever did when my older brother was still here. He showed me how to embody Christ, and how to live out every day like he is still looking down on me. The first song he ever learned on guitar was Here Comes the Sun by the Beatles. I have it tattooed on me and it is a reminder that the dark days are no match for the glory God is revealing to me every day on this earth.
No, my life hasn't been "rainbows and unicorns" as they say. I have lived out my hardest years the past 9, but God has shown me abundant grace, mercy, love, and hope. The most important thing he has given me from all of this is peace. A verse that was read to me through so many different counseling sessions, church sermons, etc. was Romans 8:18. This verse is hung on my wall and is a small reminder that no matter what storm is going on, that the joy that is eternal life will always satisfy me.
So here is to nine full years without a big brother. Nine years without part of my heart. I am not saying tomorrow will be easy, but I know he is walking me through every second of it.
You are forever in my heart, Bradley Joseph Adams.
"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." -Romans 8:18
